


Say Cheese

by Neko_Airie



Series: Rarities come in Handy [26]
Category: The Musketeers (2014)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Daemons, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-17
Updated: 2015-01-17
Packaged: 2018-03-07 21:31:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3183872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Neko_Airie/pseuds/Neko_Airie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the previous instalment Porthos makes it his mission and quest to find something that smells enough to make d'Artangan say it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Say Cheese

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, I have some steam back. Heres some humour.

d’Artangan was twitchy to say the least, Porthos was defiantly planning something and it had him worried. He had seen the man talking, whispering with his daemon on more than one occasion and staring at him, but as soon as he looked over or spoke to the them the pair would shut up and act like nothing was happening. He had tried enlisting the help of Aramis but the suave man only gave a smile saying that he was better off not worrying cause he was going to find out eventually and knowing would just make it worse. d’Artangan has groaned at that. He had even tried to enlist the help of the Captain, but Treville has laughed and noted that it was normally him getting the others into a worried state and it might do him good to get a taste of his own medicine. d’Artangan had blushed and left the office without a word. He never even bothered with going to Athos, he knew the man wouldn’t have anything to do with it but he wasn’t going to do anything to stop it. So after all that d’Artangan was feeling decidedly twitchy. 

The day was cool, good for training. The barracks and the court yard were a buzzing with the activity of many training musketeers and potential musketeers. The Captain was stood outside his office on the wooden promenade watching as the musketeers sparred and ran drills of their own accord, a proud smile on his face. He was sure that if the red guards weren’t told exactly what they had to do on such a day he was sure that they would be drinking and gambling. 

All in All a normal day.

…..Or not. Treville’s face dropped when he spotted three of his resident trouble makers, only three. Where on earth was his current brawling champion, Porthos. He scanned the area and groaned when he caught sight of the fourth. Porthos was coming out of the kitchen with a bowl of something that he could only describe as black and gloopy. He rubbed the bridge of his nose when he noticed that he seemed to be heading straight for the the youngest of the group. d’Artangan.

Porthos couldn’t suppress the smirk that was on his face as he moved towards the unsuspecting Gascon. The bowl contained a large mix of gone of milk and rotten eggs. After the escapade at the docks on that god awful summers day Porthos was determined to find something that d’Artangan couldn’t stand the smell of, and he meant business. He had his scarf pressed up over his nose and mouth the minimise his exposure to the stench he was carrying. Adelynn had refused to be any part of this, she was walking as far away as she could from her human and was muttering to her self about stupid humans and stupid points prove.

d’Artangan was sat on a barrel watching Aramis and Athos with Anu lounging at his side. She like this time of year, the sun was still warm but not scorching and she could go the entire day without saying that she had over heated. It was a good time of day for her. d’Artangan was so intent on watching the pair and analysing their sparing that he didn’t notice Porthos creeping up beside him. “Hey d’Art…” d’Artangan jumped and spun on the spot. “Oh…Porthos, Don’t do that made me jump a mile” He complaine as he rested a hand over his heart. He noticed the bowl and raised an eyes brow. “Why on earth do you have a bowl of…is that rotten eggs?” He asked looking closer at the bowl and then at Porthos. He gave no reaction to the smell, even though it was pretty horrific. 

Porthos groaned turned away, he came up an excuse quickly. “I was…I was getting rid of it for Serge.” He said quickly with a smile. He didn’t notice the skeptical looked that Anumpama gave him from her position on the floor. “Oh…Okay.” d’Artangan murmured and turned back to watch the sparring as it continued into it’s third round. Porthos stalked off muttering as he tried to find somewhere to dispose of the fowl mixture. Adelynn trotted up besides him and gave him the doggy version of a smirk. “I told you it wouldn’t work and I think you should just give up now.” She said quietly. “I’m not giving up I will find something he can’t stand” Adelynn rolled her eyes and shook her head side to side.

Porthos didn’t try again for nearly a week, he used that week to find the next most foul smelling thing he could. That as well as the fact that it took him a week to find and catch a skunk. Well catch might not be the right word, he found some old and broken clothes of his and chased said skunk until the tormented thing has sprayed all over him. He now has the clothes in a leather sack and was going straight to d’Artangans and Athos home. He sort of hoped that Athos didn’t know what he was doing and that he didn’t work it out while he was there, he didn’t think that Athos would forgive him if he stunk out their apartment deliberately. He knocked on the door, Adelynn was conspicuous by her silence. She had straight refused the offer of catching the skunk her self and was only here because she had to be by the laws of soul and human.. “This isn’t going to work.” She muttered. Porthos ignored her and with grim determination stepped inside the apartment when Athos opened the door, Bijou sat on his shoulder. “I’m looking for d’Artangan?” He questioned. “I need the farm boys experience.” Athos raised an eye brow and gestured to the bedroom. “He’s in there.” Clearly Porthos didn’t notice the way that Athos was ruffled and the fact that he had gestured to the bedroom. Porthos nodded to him and moved through he apartment, he made a note in his mind that he was happy to see a lack of wine bottles or liquor bottles lying around. 

Porthos entered the bedroom and left the second after when he was roared at loudly by Anu, he was blushing deep red on his dark cheeks and swore that he would never get the sight out of his brain. Anu trotted out of the room and glared at him, Porthos shakily pointed towards Athos. “He never told me.” He whispered. Anu stalked across the living space and headed towards the smirking Athos. She raised one furred eyebrow and gave Athos a stern look before head butted him hard and he landed him on his ass. She simply turned and walked back towards the bedroom again with out a word. After about five minutes d’Artangan exited the bedroom and found Porthos still stood in shock. “I apologise Porthos I was expecting any one to walk in. I also apologise for Anu’s reaction. I was rather shocked.” Porthos waved his hand. “Its okay” He murmured before remembering why he was there and raising the leather back full of skunked clothes. “Um I needed your help actually.” He said with a lopsided i’m-a-bit-of-an-idiot smile. “I ended up on the wrong end of a skunk, one of the kids from the court let it loose near a friend of mines shop and he asked me to get rid of it.” Porthos opened the back and thrust it to d’Artangan. d’Artangan frowned with an odd smile and took the bag. “I assume that the skunk got you.” He leant in close to the bag and sniffed. “Got you pretty badly stunk but not the worst I’ve smelt.” He closed the bag seemingly completely unfazed by the smell. “Vinegar and tomato juice. What we used on the farm if we got stunk. Soak it for a couple of hours wash it out and repeat until your satisfied that the smells gone.” He then directed Porthos towards the door. “I’m sorry for kicking you out but I need to have a chat with my dear soul bonded.” Porthos nodded and left with Adelynn, just turning enough to see Bijou taking to the roof rafters of the room.

The next few attempts all ended in the same way, d’Artangan offering practical advice on how to get ride of that particular smell. Weather it was a summer stagnant bog that he ‘Accidentally fell into’, or the having his horse buck him into a pile of raw sewage and compost. (That wasn’t even an accident, but it’s besides the point. d’Artangan still didn’t flinch.) Porthos was close to giving up and in fact had given in at Adelynns insistence that he was getting far to obsessed by his crusade. But what truly made him give up was the incident at the morgue:

The four of them had been searching for a missing duke that was apparently defecting for spain with documents from the kings desk. They had sound the duke, in the morgue after he had washed up on the banks of the river. They had ended up going to the morgue to check that it was in fact the duke that they had found and to see if he still had any documents on him. Porthos had been drinking the night before and had a hangover that Athos would have been proud of. 

Stood around the partially decomposed body of the evil duke, Porthos was elected by speed vote to be the one to check the body. He had groaned and complained until Adylenn had nipped him on the leg and exclaimed. “The quicker we get this done the quicker we can go back to bed” Porthos had shut up and stepped forwards. It was just his luck that the second that he touched the body a pocket of gases cause the body …. burst. Covering Porthos head to toe in decomposing bodily matter. The stench that had risen from the body and Porthos was beyond anything any of them had smelt before. Aramis and Evette had both gone a series of funny colours before heading for a bucket that was at the end of the bench and vomiting. Athos was just not looking and had his scarf over his nose. d’Artangan on the other hand he just swallowed and leant over the body. “Well the letters were there but I don’t think the kings going to want them back covered in all this” He gestured to Porthos, or rather what he was covered. It was at that moment that Porthos hung over mind decided to cover only one thing. d’Artangan was the only one that wasn’t affected by the stench. “That’s it I give up!” He exclaimed storming out of the morgue to go find a river to at least start to wash off, Adelynn followed him laughing at him as she went.

This all lead to this present this point. Porthos had taken weeks to get the stench out of his clothes and hair but he could happily say now that he was free of dead body stink. The Captain had decided to compensate the dark skinned musketeer with some of his favourite cheeses. 

Porthos sat at the table in barracks and grinned his large mawkish grin. Adelynn had barked happily and had her paws on the table. He was practically rubbing his hands together with glee at the prospect of cheese and bread for lunch. Serge had supplied the bread with his version of smile and also added wine. He looked up when he heard the voices of his three brothers-in-arms. “Hey guys, come and join me.” He yelled and waved them over. They joined him at the table, daemons lolling around in varying states of relaxation. Athos was chatting with d’Artangan apparently finally forgiven for the bedroom debacle. Porthos cracked the box open of Pont l’Eveque cheese. Porthos sniffed the box and grinned. He looked up in shock when he heard a wrenching sound. d’Artangan was stood with his hand over his nose and mouth and a funny shade of green tinged his skin. “What is that god awful smell?” Porthos blinks for a few seconds before bursting out into raucous laughter that left the others just staring at him.


End file.
